


Meaning

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Post-Mass Effect 3, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-25
Updated: 2016-08-25
Packaged: 2018-08-11 00:00:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7866877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one lives a perfect life, particularly when pressured the way the crew of the Normandy has been. Still, there are small things with lots of meaning that Kaidan would change if he could.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Meaning

Kaidan didn’t have many regrets in his life. For that alone he knew he was a very fortunate man. As he sat in silence, however, with no orders, no schedule to keep, and no enemies to fight, he had time to really think about everything that had happened. It had been a wild ride. He’d made mistakes and had many triumphs, but there were only a few things that he might have changed if given the chance. Oddly enough, they were all related.

He had always told himself that he was a man of action, that words could only reveal so much. Doing things meant more. You could learn a lot about a person not by what they claim, but by how they act, how they treat others, and how they respond under stress. He realized now, however, as he had plenty of time to mull things over and analyze the past, that he should have said more. Those simple phrases that at one time seemed so easy to offer or brush off were the ones that brought him to his knees. How could a few words be so difficult?

_I like you._

He knew it before he’d ever really gotten to know the infamous Commander Shepard. The words sprung to his lips far too easily, but he caught them before they could escape. It was a relatively harmless statement, but it could have been taken the wrong way, and he didn’t want to overstep his bounds. At the time, he thought he was being a good and proper soldier, pushing the words aside to perhaps be uttered another day when work wasn’t at the forefront of their minds. Or not. Time would tell.

_I want you._

He’d seen her at her best. He’d seen her at her worst. He was awed and inspired by it all and he didn’t want to let her slip through his fingers. Still, duty called. He wouldn’t risk her career all for a crush he’d developed in remarkably short time. He’d known she was attractive from the start, but her innate confidence, skill, and strength made him simply want to be around her in any capacity that she’d allow. A fellow soldier, a friend, or even a lover… he would have been willing to accept it all. He just couldn’t bring himself to admit it.

_I love you._

The words threatened to burst from him completely uncontrolled several times as the Normandy was under fire. He wanted to say it when she sent him away, but he didn’t want to cloud her judgment or throw her off her game. He wanted to say it as he desperately called for her in the endless abyss of space while the wreckage rained upon Alchera. He whispered it, finally, far too late.

_I miss you._

He erased the words from the end of his message. A war in his mind was raging between relief that she was alive and well, looking and feeling like the woman he’d once known, and despair that she’d never bothered to contact him, leaving him to wallow in regret and loss alone. She let him suffer and played it off like nothing had ever happened. He wanted to say it, but he didn’t want her to know it. Somehow it was easier to hide behind anger than it was to simply forgive and move on.

_I’m sorry._

He ached every time he heard her voice on recordings, every time he saw her face in the news vids. He’d watched and waited and began to understand that she was, in fact, still the woman he’d loved so long ago. She was out there risking her life for a galaxy that still didn’t appreciate it, but she pressed on because that’s just what Shepard was supposed to do. He hoped and prayed and wrote letters that he never sent. He wanted to say he was sorry but simply didn’t know how. It wasn’t that simple. He wasn’t sure she’d want to hear it anyway. When they’d last parted ways, he’d made his anger known and he wasn’t convinced that she’d listen to what he had to say again. Those apologetic words might not have had the same meaning for her now as they did for him.

_I trust you._

He thought it the moment that heartbroken look crossed her face when he’d asked if she’d been turned into a husk by Cerberus. He wanted to believe her words, but he was having the most difficult time imaginable trying to make sense of it all, and she didn’t seem to have any answers to help him understand. There was plenty of time to think about it all after the mission on Mars, when he was alone in a hospital room and she’d run off to save the galaxy again. None of the Cerberus situation made any sense, but he knew her. He began to admit to himself that he still loved her. He wanted to trust her again. Those words hung on his tongue even as horror crossed his features and he found himself staring her down over the barrel of a gun.

_I adore you._

He felt it in his heart. He felt it in his bones. He couldn’t find the words to accurately express himself, but he poured everything he had into showing her how much she meant to him. When the nightmares shook her in the middle of the night, he was there to calm her fears. When her anger threatened to render another race extinct, he talked her down. When the rest of the world placed too much pressure on her shoulders, he was there to share the burden. He did everything he could to make it known that he was in it for the long haul, and that she was completely safe around him. He couldn’t find the words, but he hoped that she knew.

_I love you._

The words came so easily now. He could say them, but he always felt like he couldn’t say them enough, like he couldn’t convey it properly with a simple phrase. His mind was screaming it as the plea, “don’t leave me behind,” tumbled from his lips. He was crushed, physically and emotionally, as he watched her turn away and run. None of these people deserved her bravery and conviction. Hell, he didn’t feel like he did, either, but she offered it anyway. He yelled the words after her until he was hoarse with sorrow, but the explosions and screaming drowned out the sound.The doors to the Normandy closed to usher him to safety, and he whispered them repeatedly, hoping she could feel them, if nothing else.

_I love you._  
_I love you._  
_I love you._

Kaidan lifted his head and opened his eyes. He ran his hands through his dark hair as he sighed heavily, leaning back in his chair. It had been a long and painful road. He wished he’d said more, but it was impossible to go back now. He couldn’t change what he’d done, or avoided doing, rather, but he could make a change for a better future.

He gently took hold of a hand next to him, careful not to disturb any tubes or bandages. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead, faintly smiling as he whispered the words.

“I’m never leaving your side again.”

Shepard’s eyes fluttered open before focusing on him. He knew she didn’t have the strength to respond just yet, but she would. A smile curled the edges of her lips as she squeezed his hand in return.


End file.
